It's the day after Christmas, and all through the house...

Today has been an interesting day in my mommy life.  Kellen and I didn't go anywhere today, we got up really late and we bummed around the house.  Actually, it was probably from 4pm to 6pm that I laid on the couch watching football and he would basically play for a little bit, then come to me and want me to pick him up so he could lie with me.  Then he would lay his head on my chest and suck his thumb for what seemed a LONG TIME.  It was the BEST feeling in the world.  Sometimes he would sit up, we would play and he would giggle and then he would lay his head back down on me.  He was just a little snuggle bug today!  I think the main reason, though, is it sounds like he's got a another cold.  He acted a little under the weather and just wanting to cuddle with Mommy.  It was awesome.  It was like a bonding experience.  As it drew closer to 6 pm, I could tell he was getting fussier, so I fed him (and ME) some Eggplant Parmesan that Aunt Ida made for Christmas dinner and forgot to serve!  (It was one of the three main courses!)  Oh my GOODNESS, it was absolutely delicious!  Then I gave him a bath and then brought him back to the living room for his last bottle and cuddle of the day.  So wonderful!!  All I can think is...THIS is what it's ALL about!!

Back to work tomorrow and Tuesday, then off Wednesday and Thursday (which are Patrick's days off too!)  Maybe we can have a DATE!  We aren't spending New Year's together...AGAIN.  :(  In fact, I have NO idea what I'm doing for New Year's.  Unfortunately, I work that Friday until 7:15pm.  I have a wonderful friend that I haven't seen in over a year who is having a party...but I'd know about 3 people there.  And I have a thing about spending New Year's with my very closest people.  Which would be (if not Patrick) Matt and/or Destiny.  So, we'll see what plans this week brings...  I did buy some champagne at Target...so at least I'm prepared!

Also, I have to get running again.  I haven't run since we left North Carolina, and I don't know what my problem is.  I have been in SUCH a funk.  I can't explain it.  It's like I have no motivation for life.  The holidays have a weird effect on me.  They make me equally joyous and sad.  I love the music and the beautiful lights, and the tree, and the SPIRIT of Christmas.  But it also makes me think of the things I miss: my mom especially.  I also really wish we had a house of our own.  I'm so sick of renting and living in *someone else's* house.  I feel like I'm in limbo all the time.

Recently, my cousin, Matt, brought my attention to this baby boy, Keegan, who received a heart transplant at just 5 days old.  Matt went to high school with Keegan's father.  Yesterday and today, I read their entire blog about Keegan from the day he was born in September 2007 till now.  Keegan has a good heart now, but only one functioning kidney and persistent GI problems that land him in and out of Children's Medical Center.  They also have a healthy 5 month old, Audrey.  An amazing, beautiful family.  I read all about them and I just wish I could do something for them.  He was featured on the news here in Dallas; they got to meet the donor baby's parents the day before Christmas.  They showed the donor baby's mom listening to Keegan's heart (HER baby's heart) with a stethoscope and it just blows your mind what tragedy people are able to live through and persevere through.  It also makes me very proud to be a nurse.   I added a link to Keegan's blog on the right...he is such an amazing baby boy.  I love him and I have never even met him...

Here's a pic of Kellen and Daddy on Christmas morning!  We spent a long time trying to get him interested in opening a present...but all he wanted to do is play with the bottle of Zyrtec!  It was hilarious actually!  See him holding it??

Right before we left for Aunt Ida and Uncle Paul's for Christmas Dinner, we brushed our teeth!!  Matt texted us "Where are you" and we texted him back this picture to show him we were almost ready to go...

Drivel

OK...what happened to my Monday????  I have two hours till I pick up Kellen from "school" and I have gotten pretty much NOTHING accomplished.  BOO.

Lately, I have an underlying, nagging anxiety about EVERYTHING.  I can't stop worrying about EVERYTHING.  One worry completes its way through my brain...and another one comes storming in.  For instance...after I wrote the previous sentence, I stared at the word "its".  Actually, I spelled it "it's".  I thought, "that can't be right".  I googled "it's or its", and YES, there is an entire website devoted to the use and spelling of it's or its.  http://www.its-not-its.info/  There you go, if you're wondering.  If you know me, you know that CORRECT spelling and grammar are pretty important to me.  If I EVER see someone misspell a word, I automatically judge them as incompetent human beings.  Now, I know this isn't necessarily true, and I have to stop myself from being so harsh.  But, let me tell you...Kellen won't get away with bad English around me.  EVER.

I have uncontrollable urges to make lists.  I want to make one now.  Of all the things that I'm worrying about.  AGH!  I can't stop myself...

1) Money.  Need I say more?
2) How am I going to get myself up to running 13 miles by March 27th, in time for the Rock n Roll Dallas 1/2 Marathon I've signed up and PAID for??
3) I need to get rid of all these clothes that I never wear...and I need some new clothes.  BUT, I don't wanna get a whole new wardrobe when I have this master plan to lose 20 more pounds.  Hmmm.
4) Is Kellen allergic to tomatoes and avocados???  Because he gets the most God-awful diarrhea and resultant diaper rash whenever I feed those things to him.  I really hope he's not allergic to tomatoes...it's such a VERSATILE fruit/vegetable!
5) Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables???
6) Are we ever going to be able to buy a house?
7) I need to just take the CCRN exam for cripes' sake and get it over with!!!  I'm sure I'll pass...but what if I don't????
8) I'm pretty sure I don't want another baby.  But wouldn't it be better for Kellen to have a brother or sister?  But, I don't want to have another child just for Kellen's sake.  Plus, I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford it.  AND, I can't see myself having a girl.  Heck, I DO NOT want to be pregnant again.
9) I haven't kept up with balancing my checkbook in 2 months!!  UGH...
10) I have a pile of magazines (critical care nursing and parenting) that I would like to read...when will I do that?
11) All the 80's, gold covered fixtures in this (rental) house make me a little crazy---  #6???!!!!
12) What am I going to make Kellen for breakfast (lunch/dinner)???
13) Will I be able to mold Kellen into a polite child that doesn't act like a spoiled brat???  (especially with #8?)
14) Why can't I ever think of a good lullaby to sing Kellen at that critical moment requiring lullaby-singing?  And when I CAN think of one...why can't I ever remember the words?
15)  Why do I want to simultaneously be away from and with my child?
16)  How the heck is our trip to North Carolina going to work out...travelling with a one-year old, yikes! Will we be able to pack everything into the car??  (Stroller, pack n play, luggage!)
17)  How can I be a better wife to Patrick?
18)  How can I possibly be turning 40 in June?
19)  Should one of us get "fixed"?  But then, what if, after one of us gets fixed, one of us has the incredible urge to have another child and then we CAN'T???
20)  What if anything happened to Patrick or Kellen?  Or anyone in my family for that matter?
21)  When will I ever bury my mom's ashes in Maine???
22)  Are all these things I'm worrying about, stupid????
23)  .........

OK...I could go on...but I'm realizing that I'm having to stop and think about what I've been worrying about...and that's just silly.  Honestly, this isn't anything new for me.  I'm a worrier.  I know this.  I own books about not worrying.  One is called "The Little Book of Letting Go".  Yes, I have plenty of books that I bought...and sit unread on my bookshelf.  Which brings me to #21) What do I do with all these books that I don't read, OR all my anesthesia school books that I'll never need???

OK...have to stop this drivel.  I got sidetracked during the typing of this blog and went to Facebook and found out that my nephew, Josh, is divorced and is engaged to someone else.  Which...I'm sure that he's much happier...but I hate that we have such a crappy relationship that I find this out by doing research on Facebook.  And incidentally, my wedding anniversary is also the anniversary of the last time I talked to my brother.  Talking to him or not....my brother always manages to make me feel like crap.  And does not having a relationship with my brother mean not having a relationship with my nephews?  Let's add all that to the list...

Losing my perspective...

This last week has just been rough.  Having a baby boy with diarrhea is NOT fun.  It all started a week ago Tuesday when I checked in on Kellen before leaving for Grapevine and he was awake in his crib...and rolling around in poop.  He had bad diarrhea and it leaked out of his diaper, which was loose.  ARGGHHH.  Poor baby...Patrick got up and we stripped him down and bathed him, while I stripped his bed down and put it in the hot wash.  That day, I got home around Noon, and the baby had a fever, along with a nasty diaper rash, and he was just NOT himself...putting his little head on my shoulder and sucking his thumb...acting so sad and pathetic!  That was a first for him.

So, that afternoon, we were able to get him into the pedi...who told us to switch him to Soy formula and gave us prescriptions for anti-diarrhea med and "Magic Butt Paste" for his bottom. We also started giving him pedialyte.  I was off Wed and Thurs, and so was Patrick, so we basically hung out at home with him.  Friday, his fever was better, BUT his diarrhea just wouldn't go away, which really worried me.  I thought it would be gone by now.  So, we made another appt with the pedi, and they tell us that it just takes longer for the little ones to get over these types of viruses.

This whole week I keep going over and over in my head what I'm doing wrong, or what I should do different.  I had a lot of support from my friends via facebook that it's totally normal to get all these viruses when kiddos go to daycare...and that they will be exposed to them eventually...but it's just hard for me to send him to daycare and have him get sick.  My friend, Destiny, and I even talked about me going part-time at work and working on the days that Patrick is off so we can keep him out of daycare...but I don't think that's the solution.

I've been so stupidly depressed lately too.  GAH...it drives me crazy to feel this way!!  I know better...I know I have so much to be thankful for, and it annoys me to feel this way.  My stupid thoughts always get the best of me...  I'm always telling myself that I'm failing at everything....that I'm a bad person.  There's just a list of things I'm not doing right or at all.  I could sit here, actually, and go into detail...but there is absolutely no point.  Every day is new, I can only just get up and try to do better the next day.

I miss my mom during these times...she was all too wise about these types of feelings...even if she succumbed to them herself.  She was so good at helping me see I was not alone, yet helping me to move on.  Oh, God, it just occurred to me that I guess I am just like her in that respect.  At work, when I meet patients who are having a difficult time, I feel like I am uniquely equipped to understand their weak moments and try to encourage them from a place of understanding.  I wonder...is it possible to live your entire life without experiencing deep despair, pain, and hopelessness at least once in your life?  Lately, at work, we've had some REALLY sad cases...deaths of patients who were young or who were previously living a vibrant life until one day...  Cases like that just SCARE me.  I have the most wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy...and I have so much to lose!!  So pessimistic...I just need to think more positively.

Today I woke up and felt so apathetic.  I had no plans, no one to see, nothing to do.  I woke up thinking, "I just need to get through this day so I can go back to bed".  Yes, I thought that...  I've just been feeling so damn alone lately.  I talk to Patrick and Destiny...thank God for her.  Even though she doesn't have kids, she does get me.  She and I talk...and we are so much alike in many ways.  She gets that same funky feeling.  So, she came over this afternoon and it was nice.  I just told her how I was feeling, we talked about it, we played with Kellen.  He's been so *WHINY* lately...and Destiny got to experience it first hand and she said..."Lord, now I know why you're going so crazy!"  haha!  That made me feel validated...thank you, Destiny...

Tomorrow, Kellen is going back to daycare.  :(  I hate taking him there when I'm off, but I just need some me-time.  I feel SO horrible even thinking that.  Horrible mom...getting rid of my baby....  I'm just going to think of it as time for him to see his baby-friends!  I might go see a movie tomorrow!  And, Destiny and I are going running....

What a funny kid!

UGH!  It's been too long since I've posted!  Kellen is 8 months and 3 weeks now.  He's doing awesome...back in the Montessori school for daycare.  He seems to do really well there, but he's got a perpetual runny nose.  Next week is his 9 month pediatrician appt!  He's been holding steady at 20-21 lbs, but he's getting really tall!  His length is half of his crib!  He's happy most of the time unless he's tired or hungry.  He stares at everyone, but sometimes he's smiley and playful with strangers.  Sometimes he just wants mommy or daddy.  He can pull himself up onto anything and then stand unassisted!  And yesterday for the FIRST TIME, he waved bye-bye to our neighbor, Mary!  It was so cute!  He wasn't sure about it, but he brought his hand up and curled up his fingers and was staring at me like, "Am I doing it right?"  He says Ma ma ma ma ma, da da da da da, ba ba ba ba, ya ya ya ya, na na na na.  And he loves to shake his head side to side like he's saying "no".  I don't think he knows what it means, he just likes doing it and it's SO Funny!  I just love spending time with him...his smiles are pure HEAVEN!!  Check out the video of him below...I crack up everytime!!

Kellen's first time in the big bathtub!

So, yesterday evening, I got Kellen into his baby bathtub, but he was sitting straight upright in it and grabbing at the whirlpool jets in the tub, trying to fall OUT of the baby bathtub.  So I thought...oh what the hey...I'll just put him straight into the tub.  After all, he is crawling and sitting up really well on his own.  So, below is a video of him being super cute in the tub!  I love his babbling too...just brings joy to my heart.

Today, I was cancelled from work...census must be low, which doesn't surprise me since it's a holiday weekend.  But it was okay...cause Patrick is off and he and his brother, Steve and his family were going to go to Six Flags...so I got to go too!!  BUT, it was a little bit of a bust...we only got to ride a few rides because of the thunderstorm clouds.  And it was HOT and HUMID!  I was downright melting...it was really miserably hotttttttt.  Then, while we were eating lunch, a big thunderstorm came thru and it turned into an all-out severe thunderstorm with hail and really high winds.  Me and my two nephews, Mitchell and Logan, were stuck in Steve's Expedition while Patrick and Steve ran to be with Steve's wife Jean and daughter Maggie--they got shelter in the girls' bathroom--hahahaha!  It was scary being in the truck, though...it was super hot...but we couldn't really open the doors because the rain and hail was coming down so hard.  And then the truck was rocking back and forth because of the winds.  Trees went down in the Six Flags parking lot...it was crazy.  Poor Logan was freaking out because he didn't know if his dad was okay and it looked like a tornado outside!  So, we had to leave early....which was a total bummer.  Of course...didn't rain in Plano at all.

6-18-10 Kellen saying La La La!

The biggest love in the world...

I sit here staring at Kellen while he's on the floor playing with his activity mat.  I love it when he looks up at me and then smiles real big and kicks like he's so excited to see me.  His smile is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. It is all the joy I have ever felt all wrapped up in one little baby boy.  I love watching him learn and explore and play.  When either Patrick and/or I are holding him, we kiss him constantly. I wonder if he ever gets sick of it.  I just want to kiss his little head forever and ever.  I look at him and honestly I can't imagine loving someone more, and I can't imagine a more beautiful child.  I wonder what I did to deserve this love that I have dreamed of for years and years.  I prayed for this, back when I was living in Florida and feeling very alone.  I remember staying up late at night thinking about how I wished my life would be...and this is it.  Except I wish my mom were here.


Kellen woke up today with the MOST horrible god-awful diaper rash I have ever seen.  It made me want to cry.  The only thing I can think of is that I fed him avocado for the first time yesterday.  And probably the last time!  We put, as Patrick calls it, the "butt spackle" on...and it was better this evening...although still not pretty.  If I could beat up an avocado...I would.


Today I bought some organic pears at Target and made some fabulous pear puree.  Funny...it tastes a lot like applesauce!  Next vegetable will be carrots.  Next fruit is peaches.  It is so hilarious to give him his first taste of anything.  He makes the most hilarious face...like I'm trying to poison him or something.  And then he opens his mouth for more!  Funny boy.

OH my aching back!

So, I was supposed to work with the employee health nurse today, but that flexeril (muscle relaxant) I take at night makes me all jello-like.  Not pretty.  I don't like it.  My back still bothers me and the other medicine the doctor gave me (Mobic) doesn't work very well, either.  Ibuprofen works way better, so I'll just stick with that.  What I think will REALLY help is some massage.  I have a gift cert to Massage Envy; I need to just go in and make an appt.

Took the infant car seat out of my car and put the Britax car seat in. This way, I'm not lugging around Kellen + car seat.  When I'm holding Kellen close to me, he doesn't feel heavy. Of course, now, whenever I go shopping, he gets to sit in the front seat of the cart like a big boy!!!  That should be interesting!  Hopefully he can hold himself up.

MAN, I'm not looking forward to packing up this house!!!  It's a tad overwhelming.  Anyone up to packing  boxes???

Gotta move!

We just got notice today that we have to move out; the owner of our condo needs to move back in.   AGH! Fortunately, Aunt Ida works with someone at the Plano Symphony office that is renting a house in Plano (less than a mile from where I work)!!  So, this is it.  It's a little dated, with slightly horrible wallpaper, but nothing I can't live with. Heck, maybe they'll let me paint and stuff and reimburse me???  We'll see!  So, it's in an awesome location, probably 2-3 miles from Aunt Ida and Uncle Paul, less than a mile from the hospital where I work, and less than a mile from the Montessori school where we take Kellen. Patrick is also fairly close to work, too. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage! Lots of storage, big master walk-in closet, huge bath in the master.  It's not a huge house by any means, but it's nice. Patrick gets to see it on Saturday. The neighborhood is awesome too...very pleasant, clean, nice lawns.  What does everyone think??

What it feels like to be eaten by a baby...

I did some pretty-ing up of the place...you like?

I am now on forced paid vacation because of hurting my back. Woe is me. Actually, I was stunned to realize that I DON'T wanna miss work! I LOVE work! What the hell am I going to do at home?? Well, tomorrow is day one...and I'm going to make some homemade Kellen-food. I have a few sweet potatoes and some peas. I'm going to boil them and make some puree and add some spices. Kellen needs some SPICE in his life! Nothing crazy mind you. But a little cinnamon with the sweet potatoes??  YUM! I have a baby food making book...I will have FUN!

You won't like it when I'm angry!!

Tonight was rough. I got off work 3 hrs early because they didn't want to pay me OT (rrr!), so I picked up Kellen from day care, went to Babies R Us and got his FIRST sippy cups ever (!!), then went home. Little man and I hung out on my bed for a while...he was pretty content to roll around and bounce on his knees, but he started to get a little fussy. They told me that he last ate at 4pm, so next bottle was at 8pm (or bedtime). Needless to say...he did NOT make it to 6pm without having a total meltdown. So I tried to feed him some oatmeal and mashed bananas. He had a few bites, but for some reason started to really lose it, as if I had put a giant quantity of cayenne pepper in his food. He would stop crying when I put the spoon up to him, but as soon as I pulled the spoon out of his mouth, he would get so PISSED OFF! He wanted to just sit there and gnaw on the spoon. After a few more bites...he was just crying constantly, I had to stop.

I put him in the tub...which chilled him out for a little bit...but then he lost his little mind again...again acting like I was killing him or something. I was actually a little worried! So, I had the bottle warmed, which of course settled him down immediately. He sucks down his bottles in 5 mins flat. He was rubbing his face and scratching his head...TIRED!!  So, I sat him up...he proceeded NOT to spit up, but actually projectile vomit all over himself, me, and the floor (which I managed to forget about and then step in later with my bare feet...NICE).

I took him straight to bed...and he turned over on his side and fall asleep without protest within minutes.  He actually doesn't usually EVER protest when he goes to bed...I hope this little quality of his lasts FOREVER!

This week will be his last week at the Montessori school till August. My awesome 16 yr old cousin, Jamie, will be watching Kellen for us on the two or three days that one of us actually isn't home. This will be a HUGE savings in $$ for us...maybe now I can pay off my medical bills from having the baby!  Plus, it will make me so happy that he's with family...at home. I hope he doesn't drive her crazy, although she sits with him whenever we go out, so she's familiar with his hijinks. Actually, Kellen has very few hijinks. I'm sure he will gain lots of hijinks in the next month or so as he learns to crawl...

It's Kellen's First Blog!!! BLOGTASTIC!

What kind of baby doesn't have a blog??? P'SHAW! Not MY baby! Seriously, people, have you MET me? Sure, I could be cleaning or doing something productive...but I happen to think this is VERY productive. It's a diary for Kellen. He just fascinates me (us) every day with the things he does, and I really would love to have them recorded for posterity and also allow everyone else to rejoice in his growth as well.

So, let's get this out of the way... I really am blessed beyond words to have the best husband and baby boy on the face of this earth. Sure, we have our days where we frustrated about stupid stuff, usually money-related, but I think we are on the right path in THAT respect now...thanks to my Aunt Ida. She sat down with me for hours last night and we worked on our finances. When Patrick came home from work, I gave him the wonderful news that we HAVE to go on a money diet. He was very agreeable, and I showed him the hard numbers in black and white. Fortunately, we can pay off bills in a short amount of time, say...a year...and be in an excellent position to buy a house (finally). Needless to say, having a baby is slightly more expensive than NOT having a baby. And we are in NO rush to ADD to that expense! I never say never, but neither of us see another offspring in the future at this point. I do want to see how I feel after Kellen turns one...that may ALL change!!

But, despite the money diet...I am about as blissfully happy as I've ever been. There's nothing like the love of a GOOD man and a CUTE baby! I still have single friends or friends without children, and I just want to say to them...it really is AWESOME!! Having a child is all that sappy stuff you usually hear; you just never get it until it happens to you. All of a sudden my life has the most meaning it's ever had. Hell, my life is BURSTING at the seams with so much meaning...I can't even define it. (What that means, I have no idea) I really have very little desire to go out to bars like I used to...the whole time I'm thinking of Kellen. Yes, I am THAT girl now. It's awesome! Thank you God!!

So, really, enough about me. Let's talk about booger-face. No, really, he is a booger-face...especially in the morning. Especially yesterday! That boy has a constant stream of clear snot coming out of his cute nose. He really has had the snots for a WHILE. Probably a good two months. The snot ebbs and flows, and currently it is in the *flow* state. I was able to put the snot sucker away for a bit, now we're gonna have to pull it out again. I really can't wait until all this congestion goes AWAY!! The big debate is whether it's allergies or colds. The nurse practitioner told me that it's probably a cold, since he's in daycare. I've been really thinking it seems like allergies. WHY do I think it's allergies? Well...Patrick and I both have hay fever and mild to moderate allergies. My skin, especially, tends to react allergically to certain lotions, soaps, tapes. It's annoying as hell. Kellen, himself, has had baby eczema since he was weeks old. I have to put Eucerin on his face and behind his ears and he scratches the HELL out of his face and ears to the point of drawing blood. Not pretty. I've also noticed that you can see a very faint rash all over his chest and back (in good lighting). I just changed to All liquid detergent (it was a lot cheaper) from Gain, so I wonder if that's the culprit. (???) I've been reading, if a baby has eczema, they are more likely to have allergies to other things. So, there's my rationale.

Bottom line, I don't want poor Kellen to suffer! For now, I'm just going to continue using the Eucerin cream...it seems to work miracles and clears up the eczema on his precious face.

Eating is the other big thing...I have started feeding him pureed vegetables from Gerber. He's had green beans, peas, and now we are on squash. He loves it all! The trick is feeding him without getting it EVERYWHERE. Aunt Ida noticed that it's much easier to keep him clean when you hold him in your lap and feed him. I usually feed him in the Bumbo chair, because it allows me mobility. But then he's grabbing the spoon to put into his mouth, and he's getting pureed goodness all over the place. His thing lately is also to grab the bottle to put into his mouth, and he also grabs cups and puts them in his mouth...CORRECTLY! He looks like a tiny baby drinking from an adult cup...it's hilarious! We were told it's time to get him a sippy cup to start playing with and learning to use. Yesterday he was fussy, so I put 2 oz of filtered water in his bottle and just gave it to him. He grabbed the bottle and put it into his mouth like a 2 year old. It was amazing! He's so smart!

The only thing, though, he's not babbling as much as I'd like. He still just says "Ahhh, ehhh..." or any vowel sounds. He doesn't do the "Mmmah mmah duh duh" thing. Every once in a great while he'll make a "mmm" or "ddd" sound. He DOES seem to like to make sounds with the spit in his mouth! And I just love listening to him while we're in the car. I'll turn the radio completely off so I can listen to him go "ooooh" and "ahhhh" in the back seat...Kellen singing to me is WAY better than any Imogen Heap song. (Even better than NIN...sorry Renee!!)

On the crawling/mobility front...yesterday we noticed that he can get himself up on all fours! But that's it. He rolls around, does his Superman impression (a lot), and gets on his hands and knees. I'm thinking he's REALLY close to crawling! YIKES!

So, that's about it for our first blog... Hopefully I won't go a month before posting again. It feels absolutely decadent to sit here and type while Patrick has Kellen out grocery shopping!!!