No Fear

I have really needed to blog lately with all the thoughts screaming through my head.  But I'd think, my blog is about "Raising Kellen" -- it shouldn't be all about me.  So, I wouldn't blog.  Then I would read other blogs that I follow and I'd think again, "I really need to blog!"  It just feels good to get it all out, it helps me more than anything.  Seriously...life has been so....ugh, I can't find a word for it.  I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed by everything I want to do that I just do nothing.  I think I waste SO MUCH TIME worrying about everything I want to or need to do and spend no time actually doing those things.  Hmm.

Recently at work, I've been encountering people my age with life-changing illnesses...possibly even life-ending.  One guy, who is a doctor that just turned 40, just received a Stage IV lung cancer diagnosis.  Never smokes, hardly drinks, works out...what the hell????  Then, last week, a 41 year old guy came in with chest pain and finds out he needs heart surgery.  I admitted him.  Now...he's sedated, on a ventilator, just had a BIVAD (Biventricular Assist Device) placed yesterday and will probably need a heart transplant.  Never smoked, but he was about 40 lbs overweight, said he ate too much meat, and his dad has heart disease and has had bypass surgery.  Again, what the HELL?  Not to mention, the 3 year old little boy who is the son of a high school classmate of my cousin, Matt.  He was born and got a heart transplant two days later.  Since then his little, precious life has been nonstop pain, needles, infections, medicines, visits to hospitals & clinics, hundreds of tests...and his parents--how can they endure seeing their little baby go through that?  I don't know.  Yet, they still have wonderful, happy, fun, amazing moments that keep them going.  Then, the Joplin tornado.  A 16 month old was ripped from his mother's arms.  That's about Kellen's age and just the thought of it gives me chest pain right this second.  That tornado took BOTH of that mother's children.  I think of all this pain that people endure and it really depresses me.  I think to myself, "I should be so thankful for everything I have, I should be happy as hell!!!"  But I'm not...I worry, I stress, I analyze the hell out of everything, I berate myself.  That last one I do a lot.

Today, I read my doctor-friend-with-lung-cancer's blog.  Crushmycancer.blogspot.com  It was a huge slap in the face for me.  I know this already, but I waste far too much time worrying and being afraid.  One might wonder what the hell I'm afraid of.  GOOD QUESTION.  I am totally afraid of FAILING.  I am completely afraid of disappointing people.  I am afraid of confrontation.  I'm afraid of someone telling me they don't like something I've done or said.  And so...I tend to avoid people.  I hate making small talk.  I hate pretending to be interested in what someone has to say when I'm totally not interested.  I hate feeling like someone is doing the same to me (pretending to be interested in what I have to say).  One could argue that I pass up interesting interactions and possible friendships with people.  But, I would argue that I have plenty of interesting interactions and plenty of good friends.

I will say that having Kellen has made me more social than I usually am.  Complete strangers talk to you all the time when you have a baby.  Normally this makes me somewhat uncomfortable (not always), but I don't mind it now.  I feel like my status as a mom is a much more important one than my prior status.  I feel like I've truly started living my life.  Which is why my career status is suddenly much less important. I work for two reasons:  I enjoy it, it fulfills me; and I need money to support my family.  That's it.  I don't need my job to make me feel like a better person (like I used to).  Kellen does that for me.  He makes me feel needed and awesome.  I can only imagine as he gets older and more independent how hard it's going to be for me not to see him as my baby.  And I think of the people I know that won't ever have children and I feel VERY sad for them...because it is the most joy and happiness I have ever felt in my life--it's a WHOLE new level of joy and happiness!!  I thank God for him every day.

I guess the point of all this jibberish is that I need to stop being so afraid and live my life.  If my life ended tomorrow...I'd regret wasting so much time on berating myself, being afraid, worrying, analyzing, and not loving the important people in my life as much as I should.  And I need to take care of myself better.  I am God's perfect creation and I need to remember that.

Keegan, Norm, Mike...I am praying for you the most right now.  I will not be afraid...for YOU.