Drivel

OK...what happened to my Monday????  I have two hours till I pick up Kellen from "school" and I have gotten pretty much NOTHING accomplished.  BOO.

Lately, I have an underlying, nagging anxiety about EVERYTHING.  I can't stop worrying about EVERYTHING.  One worry completes its way through my brain...and another one comes storming in.  For instance...after I wrote the previous sentence, I stared at the word "its".  Actually, I spelled it "it's".  I thought, "that can't be right".  I googled "it's or its", and YES, there is an entire website devoted to the use and spelling of it's or its.  http://www.its-not-its.info/  There you go, if you're wondering.  If you know me, you know that CORRECT spelling and grammar are pretty important to me.  If I EVER see someone misspell a word, I automatically judge them as incompetent human beings.  Now, I know this isn't necessarily true, and I have to stop myself from being so harsh.  But, let me tell you...Kellen won't get away with bad English around me.  EVER.

I have uncontrollable urges to make lists.  I want to make one now.  Of all the things that I'm worrying about.  AGH!  I can't stop myself...

1) Money.  Need I say more?
2) How am I going to get myself up to running 13 miles by March 27th, in time for the Rock n Roll Dallas 1/2 Marathon I've signed up and PAID for??
3) I need to get rid of all these clothes that I never wear...and I need some new clothes.  BUT, I don't wanna get a whole new wardrobe when I have this master plan to lose 20 more pounds.  Hmmm.
4) Is Kellen allergic to tomatoes and avocados???  Because he gets the most God-awful diarrhea and resultant diaper rash whenever I feed those things to him.  I really hope he's not allergic to tomatoes...it's such a VERSATILE fruit/vegetable!
5) Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables???
6) Are we ever going to be able to buy a house?
7) I need to just take the CCRN exam for cripes' sake and get it over with!!!  I'm sure I'll pass...but what if I don't????
8) I'm pretty sure I don't want another baby.  But wouldn't it be better for Kellen to have a brother or sister?  But, I don't want to have another child just for Kellen's sake.  Plus, I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford it.  AND, I can't see myself having a girl.  Heck, I DO NOT want to be pregnant again.
9) I haven't kept up with balancing my checkbook in 2 months!!  UGH...
10) I have a pile of magazines (critical care nursing and parenting) that I would like to read...when will I do that?
11) All the 80's, gold covered fixtures in this (rental) house make me a little crazy---  #6???!!!!
12) What am I going to make Kellen for breakfast (lunch/dinner)???
13) Will I be able to mold Kellen into a polite child that doesn't act like a spoiled brat???  (especially with #8?)
14) Why can't I ever think of a good lullaby to sing Kellen at that critical moment requiring lullaby-singing?  And when I CAN think of one...why can't I ever remember the words?
15)  Why do I want to simultaneously be away from and with my child?
16)  How the heck is our trip to North Carolina going to work out...travelling with a one-year old, yikes! Will we be able to pack everything into the car??  (Stroller, pack n play, luggage!)
17)  How can I be a better wife to Patrick?
18)  How can I possibly be turning 40 in June?
19)  Should one of us get "fixed"?  But then, what if, after one of us gets fixed, one of us has the incredible urge to have another child and then we CAN'T???
20)  What if anything happened to Patrick or Kellen?  Or anyone in my family for that matter?
21)  When will I ever bury my mom's ashes in Maine???
22)  Are all these things I'm worrying about, stupid????
23)  .........

OK...I could go on...but I'm realizing that I'm having to stop and think about what I've been worrying about...and that's just silly.  Honestly, this isn't anything new for me.  I'm a worrier.  I know this.  I own books about not worrying.  One is called "The Little Book of Letting Go".  Yes, I have plenty of books that I bought...and sit unread on my bookshelf.  Which brings me to #21) What do I do with all these books that I don't read, OR all my anesthesia school books that I'll never need???

OK...have to stop this drivel.  I got sidetracked during the typing of this blog and went to Facebook and found out that my nephew, Josh, is divorced and is engaged to someone else.  Which...I'm sure that he's much happier...but I hate that we have such a crappy relationship that I find this out by doing research on Facebook.  And incidentally, my wedding anniversary is also the anniversary of the last time I talked to my brother.  Talking to him or not....my brother always manages to make me feel like crap.  And does not having a relationship with my brother mean not having a relationship with my nephews?  Let's add all that to the list...