Losing my perspective...

This last week has just been rough.  Having a baby boy with diarrhea is NOT fun.  It all started a week ago Tuesday when I checked in on Kellen before leaving for Grapevine and he was awake in his crib...and rolling around in poop.  He had bad diarrhea and it leaked out of his diaper, which was loose.  ARGGHHH.  Poor baby...Patrick got up and we stripped him down and bathed him, while I stripped his bed down and put it in the hot wash.  That day, I got home around Noon, and the baby had a fever, along with a nasty diaper rash, and he was just NOT himself...putting his little head on my shoulder and sucking his thumb...acting so sad and pathetic!  That was a first for him.

So, that afternoon, we were able to get him into the pedi...who told us to switch him to Soy formula and gave us prescriptions for anti-diarrhea med and "Magic Butt Paste" for his bottom. We also started giving him pedialyte.  I was off Wed and Thurs, and so was Patrick, so we basically hung out at home with him.  Friday, his fever was better, BUT his diarrhea just wouldn't go away, which really worried me.  I thought it would be gone by now.  So, we made another appt with the pedi, and they tell us that it just takes longer for the little ones to get over these types of viruses.

This whole week I keep going over and over in my head what I'm doing wrong, or what I should do different.  I had a lot of support from my friends via facebook that it's totally normal to get all these viruses when kiddos go to daycare...and that they will be exposed to them eventually...but it's just hard for me to send him to daycare and have him get sick.  My friend, Destiny, and I even talked about me going part-time at work and working on the days that Patrick is off so we can keep him out of daycare...but I don't think that's the solution.

I've been so stupidly depressed lately too.  GAH...it drives me crazy to feel this way!!  I know better...I know I have so much to be thankful for, and it annoys me to feel this way.  My stupid thoughts always get the best of me...  I'm always telling myself that I'm failing at everything....that I'm a bad person.  There's just a list of things I'm not doing right or at all.  I could sit here, actually, and go into detail...but there is absolutely no point.  Every day is new, I can only just get up and try to do better the next day.

I miss my mom during these times...she was all too wise about these types of feelings...even if she succumbed to them herself.  She was so good at helping me see I was not alone, yet helping me to move on.  Oh, God, it just occurred to me that I guess I am just like her in that respect.  At work, when I meet patients who are having a difficult time, I feel like I am uniquely equipped to understand their weak moments and try to encourage them from a place of understanding.  I wonder...is it possible to live your entire life without experiencing deep despair, pain, and hopelessness at least once in your life?  Lately, at work, we've had some REALLY sad cases...deaths of patients who were young or who were previously living a vibrant life until one day...  Cases like that just SCARE me.  I have the most wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy...and I have so much to lose!!  So pessimistic...I just need to think more positively.

Today I woke up and felt so apathetic.  I had no plans, no one to see, nothing to do.  I woke up thinking, "I just need to get through this day so I can go back to bed".  Yes, I thought that...  I've just been feeling so damn alone lately.  I talk to Patrick and Destiny...thank God for her.  Even though she doesn't have kids, she does get me.  She and I talk...and we are so much alike in many ways.  She gets that same funky feeling.  So, she came over this afternoon and it was nice.  I just told her how I was feeling, we talked about it, we played with Kellen.  He's been so *WHINY* lately...and Destiny got to experience it first hand and she said..."Lord, now I know why you're going so crazy!"  haha!  That made me feel validated...thank you, Destiny...

Tomorrow, Kellen is going back to daycare.  :(  I hate taking him there when I'm off, but I just need some me-time.  I feel SO horrible even thinking that.  Horrible mom...getting rid of my baby....  I'm just going to think of it as time for him to see his baby-friends!  I might go see a movie tomorrow!  And, Destiny and I are going running....